It's been a while. I'm here and queer and full of existential fear. Once they put me on ADHD meds and I started real trauma therapy, things got weird. I lost the ability to write for six months and I changed into a completely different person. I was reluctant to call myself disabled, but now I 100% see my ADHD as a disability and don't know how I got by without meds. That said, my depression and my volatile feelings have gotten more intense with trauma therapy and it's been difficult to balance my life. Grad school and full time work sucks. Pole is keeping me sane but costs me time and energy. I've gotten over 30k words on a novel I'm really proud of and I'm going to have to set it down to work on this thesis. The meds have made me see the ways I'm burning myself out.
That said, my writing is so much better since the meds. I can see the structures of my writing and determine what the purpose of a passage is. I look back at everything I did before the meds and it's byzantine and struggling towards an end it'll never reach. Having executive function is strange. I'm also approaching level 2 in pole dance! There's this one lady I really look up to. She's a stripper and every time I watch her dance, I want to move like her. I'm working towards the showcase right now to improve. I'm doing a group chair routine, a group pole routine, and then a solo pole routine. It's a lot and the costumes have gotten expensive but pole makes me feel connected with other women, especially those that have been mistreated.