A lot of things happened. I've been gone for a while. Shortly after my last post, my insurance denied my bottom surgery. The surgeon demanded 14k before canceling my surgery. My insurance called me to let me know they denied it, his office cancelled everything over email. Never called, never said sorry or offered condolences. That surgeon has people in his private discord brigade anyone who posts a negative review of him or his office on the transgender surgeries reddit and honestly I'm concerned he would SLAPP so I've been quiet about it.
That led me to a dark, dysphoric place where I felt that being preop made me dangerous to the people that I loved and that I needed to die to protect them from me. I ended up committing myself. That was rough and I hated it, but I ended up being placed with a trauma therapist seeing me weekly afterwards. I got a diagnosis for ADHD and put on Straterra, which has stabilized my mood so much. I realized I had to make peace with this body or I'm going to die. So I started pole dance. There are moments in pole when I feel attractive for the first time in my life. It's not always like that, I still see the way my outfits don't fit quite right and want to run out on the spot sometimes.
With being a mom, we've been monitoring things in the United States and discussing with social workers and the conclusion I've come to is that it is too unstable for transgender people in the USA for me to ethically bring a child into my home. This is like a knife in my heart. I just want to give a kid a mattress that's actually theirs and tell them that being a teen doesn't make them unlovable. I've gotten PhD offers from Canada but I desperately want to stay in the US. My girlfriend wants me to take them and its led to conflict.
So, yeah, my life has been upended and I'm totally different than I was in January. Everything I thought was going to come my way next year is gone. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.