I am aware now of how everythings gonna be fine
One day too late I'm in hell
I am prepared now, seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late just as well
-Seether, Fine Again
Hey it's been a while. Therapy is crushing me and this is gonna be a long one.
I'm a transgender woman, I want to be open about that. I've been on hormones for nine years and had multiple surgeries to get closer to my real self. Those early days were hell and I blocked out the pain of the gender dysphoria because I think I would have died if I didn't. Now I'm in a much healthier place and as I talked about earlier, I'm breaking down emotional walls. Part of that has been really feeling my dysphoria. It makes me feel like I will never be anything but an inferior copy, a fake, of a woman, that my entire transition has been meaningless, that the pain will never go away, and that there isn't a point in living. It's like grief mixed with depression.
I've started the process for bottom surgery and there's just nothing I can get excited about it. I've got this fixation on how what I will end up with will be not as good as the real thing. The only thing worse than this surgery is not getting it. People have been telling me to postpone it if my emotions around it are this intense but I'd rather die that put this off anymore. I'm willing to burn down every other part of my life if I have to. It's like having both my arms on fire and having one of them put out; its better than things were before but I will still be in pain. Everyone expects me to be excited and happy about this and I just can't manage it in any way. I want to not be sober but I have to stay sober, it'll just make things if I relapse. All I can do is sit in the feeling and let it smash into me like waves on the shore.
I am a resilient person and sometimes I hate it because people see me as resilient and I end up a rock for other people and then I can't lose my shit. I feel like I'm coming unglued and friends and family are just like uncertain what to do about it. I despise the people who hate us, I'm tired of pretending I don't. I'm in constant pain and so much of society wants to kill me on top of it. When they're talking about taking away our healthcare or making it legal to fire us, that's violence, that's intended to kill us. Honestly, my hatred for them, knowing that living upsets them, is what is keeping me going.
With life stuff, I got my wilderness first aid certification and did some caving this past weekend. I will likely be working on a new research article soon with some folks from a national lab so that's exciting. I'm working on my thesis proposal and it's coming along well. I'll probably be starting my samples this August. I also got the $2000 check in the mail for my scholarship to cover the costs. I'm doing another caving trip on the 10th and considering another caving thing on the 16th, but I need to save money for moving in with the polycule as well as the surgery.
Thanks for listening to my emotional breakdown.