07/07/2024

I Must Become Caked Up

I've decided to gain weight, both muscle and fat. My BMI was 18.7 and I'm tired of being a bony ass bitch. I need to gain about 20lbs and have managed 5 so far. My progress in the gym had stalled out and I talked to a friend who suggested I check my calories. It turned out that I was accidentally starving myself by a few hundred calories and that's why my gains were not happening. I've doubled my caloric intake and am now my weights are going up! I squatted my own weight for the first time! Also, the fat is going straight to my butt and thighs and I can't feel the butt muscles anymore. Its so affirming to me. There's also fat going to my face and I feel like I recognize my face a bit more now.

As for bad stuff, I've been really stressed about Project 2025. I'm not gonna go too much into it, but its a proposal for if Trump wins and it talks about arresting all transgender people and making our healthcare illegal. I've started preparing a go bag and making plans on if I have to flee the country. I've found someone in Canada willing to sponsor me as a refugee and am going through the process of getting a passport. I hope things don't get that bad, but I've got to protect myself and my family, so I'm going to be prepared. I don't know everything about myself but I know that survival is the strongest motivation I have.

Therapy stuff continues. I went to a peer support group and got some volleyball shorts at Bu-cee's. I'm also doing some spa stuff and want to get a haircut and my eyebrows done. My voice change is proceeding apace as well. I've continued to do art therapy. I've been exploring themes of fear, being watched, and persecution in my art. I was working on a piece at the peer support group and people asked if I was ok and commented that it was really dark. I felt fine. I've felt a bit discouraged because everyone seems to not want to engage with my art because of how intense it is.