So, it's been months since my last blog post. A lot has changed in my life and I’m gonna talk about it and hopefully get this blog on some bran flakes so it's more regular. I fell into a funk after the election and buried myself into writing. I wrote 50k words to a novel but dropped it to work on some more short fiction. Things were coasting, I wasn't getting work done on my thesis. Then I saw I Saw the TV Glow.
I stayed up till 4 in the morning afterwards tossing and turning. I've been out as a transgender woman for nine years but that movie was a laser-targeted missile. I started really doing some work in therapy I'd put off. I began having conversations with the younger versions of myself. I went shopping at Hot Topic for the teen and got a monster high doll for the three year old. One night, I read the three year old inner me a bedtime story. It was incredibly peaceful and put me to sleep. It made me realize I wouldn't mind being a parent.
From there, I ended up grieving my infertility and writing a letter to the daughter I'll never conceive. It was a night of fire and the person I was before burned to cinders that night. The choking, gasping grief, the way I can't say her name. But I woke up the next day and I saw the teenagers up for adoption from foster care in my state and I realized that I have room for other children in my heart. I also realized that somewhere there is a kid out there that desperately needs me.
My life changed. I realized I was in a marriage with a man who wasn't treating me right and who wouldn't be a good father and that I know in my heart I'm a lesbian. I realized that perfectionism is slowly killing me. I realized that avoidance was poisoning my emotional intimacy with my girlfriend. I realized that living in a siege mentality because I'm trans is just not tenable for me or my future kid. I realized that this body is the only thing I have to tell people I love them and hug them with and that I have to learn to love it. I realized that I don't want to be a scientist. I want to be a writer, so instead of going for the geology PhD, I'm going for an MFA in creative writing when I finish this masters.
I know this will sound insane, it sounded insane to me and I even checked with my counselor. He says I'm rational and fine and there's nothing suggesting this is an episode to him. I feel like there is a specific child out there and that me getting to them is already woven by the Fates, that this is preordained. I have faith, true faith, and that scares me. I've developed true faith in the Theoi as well. Hekate, Artemis, Aphrodite, they've all done so much for me. Praying to them again feels like being a prodigal daughter returning home to a divine family. I trust the Gods and feel safe in their hands. I'm learning to let go of control and trust.
Bottom surgery is less than 90 days away. The insurance stuff is happening. I have the list of stuff to purchase. I have the hotel reserved. I have my support network in place. I know of two women who got screwed over at the last minute by their insurance and got told to find $14,000 in a week or lose their surgery date. It scared me really badly. I'm trying to put my faith in Hekate. I prayed to her a while ago for a more feminine form and she's come through for me. I once almost got surgery from someone who isn't a good surgeon and it ended up cancelled on their end. I also got like the only job in existence that covered FFS. Hekate is like my mom, one that actually loves me and isn't abusive.
As for writing, I did a lot of exercises and worked on my craft over Christmas time. I've made significant improvements and got my first piece accepted this past week. I have another piece that I successfully pitched and is now being reviewed by the editor. I also spent time with a professional editor and sent out a work to a professional anthology. It's going to be a while till I hear back from them on that and the odds are not good but I risked it and that's what matters. My friend with an English Masters is telling me I've got a shot at the MFA program at our university which has a 5% acceptance rate. I'm shocked but I'm going to go for it.
So yeah, I’m getting divorced. I'm looking at shifting my focus away from my career. I started going to the Unitarian Universalist church in my area and being a more faithful servant to the Gods. I have a daughter who doesn't know I exist yet and I don't know her name or face. That is my North Star and I'm heading her way. Bottom surgery is coming along and I'll be whole in time for her arrival. My fiction, my voice that was stolen for so long is coming back and being acknowledged. Life is strange, Life is hard, but Life is also good. I hope it finds all of you well too.