02/02/2026

My Brain is a Lycopod

This is a fossil impression of the bark of an arborescent lycopod. It was a Carboniferous wetland tree that looked sort of like a palm tree but is a more primitive ancestor to gymnosperms. I'm writing my thesis on a swamp full of these things 320 million years ago. I've got like three or four little things to do and then my thesis will be done. I'm presenting the 99% done product to my committee on the 12th and then I'll be good to schedule my defense.

I've been considering for a while that I might be intersex. I didn't grow the right way? I was underweight my whole childhood to the point that they did multiple blood tests to determine if there was something wrong with me. Nothing came up. I was under 100lbs until high school. When I transitioned at 23, my voice was exactly in the middle between male and female average and I never grew full facial hair. Getting tested for mild androgen insensitivity syndrome (MAIS) is like over a thousand dollars and I'm not certain it's worth it. That said, I'm not certain what it would mean for my identity and self-conception.

I also completed this PTSD clinical trial that really helped me. It showed me the way that my trauma has become intertwined with my identity, creating a lot of internalized transphobia. It was a really painful therapy where I had to try and relive the memories as vividly as possible but the people around me have noticed the change within me. My future kid is keeping me going. I want to be the best mom I could be.